


now you're gone (but i'll be okay)

by asilra



Series: drabbles [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Gen, Just a quick drabble, Post-Canon, Song: Miss Missing You (Fall Out Boy), THANKS AO3, all while listening to miss missing you on loop, based on a tumblr prompt, i wrote this in like 30 minutes of back-and-forth writing and screaming, oh look theres a tag for it wow, this is so short oh my god, yeah uhhhhh i don't know how to tag this tbh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-18
Updated: 2018-03-18
Packaged: 2019-04-04 03:33:51
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 482
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14011275
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/asilra/pseuds/asilra
Summary: He doesn’t deserve to miss her. It's not fair for him to miss her. He knows, in every inch of his body, that he has no right to miss her.She hates how she misses him. Hates that she misses him. She knows all too well that she shouldn’t miss him.





	now you're gone (but i'll be okay)

**Author's Note:**

> is this a songfic? oh god this is a songfic isn't it.

He doesn’t deserve to miss her. It's not fair for him to miss her.

He knows, in every inch of his body, that he has no right to miss her.

It’s a terrible feeling, it really is, knowing that the girl he’d crushed on for years, who he’d idolized and looked up to - the girl he’d  _just wanted to mean something to_  - hates him, rightly so.

But Evan Hansen deserves that terrible feeling, deserves Zoe Murphy’s hatred and wrath and he deserves the feeling that comes with being ignored by her in the halls at school.

He hates how hopeful he’d made her, how hopeful they’d made each other. Like maybe Connor Murphy really did love his sister, and maybe Evan Hansen wasn’t resigned to live life as an anxious, fucked-up disaster.

But he can’t help how he misses her, misses her smile, and her freckles, and the smell of her shampoo. Misses the way they held hands when they kissed, the way she’d attack her jeans and Converse with penned-on stars, the way she’d lean into his embrace.

She had trusted him and he’d hurt her, wounded her so badly, damaged her and her family irreversibly. She’d already suffered so much in her life, and he can’t stand the fact that he was the cause of more suffering.  _Is_ the cause of more suffering. She’s still hurting, rightfully so.

Evan Hansen despises the things he’s done to Zoe Murphy, is unworthy of missing her.

 

* * *

 

She hates how she misses him. Hates  _that_ she misses him.

She knows all too well that she shouldn’t miss him.

It’s horrible, it’s a horrible feeling, walking into your dead brother’s bedroom and thinking  _‘this is where we first kissed, and where I thought I fell in love with him’._

Zoe Murphy doesn’t know whether or not she truly ever loved Evan Hansen, doesn’t know if he truly ever loved her. Hates that they might have loved each other.

If she was a crumbling building, he was the white picket fence that bordered her. He made her feel normal. Made her life feel conventional. Ordinary. Stock-standard. Made her forget that she had a brother who killed himself and parents who couldn’t stand each other.

She can’t help but miss him.

It’s dumb, it’s really so dumb, because she had  _trusted_  him, and what had he done? Torn her world apart. And for the second time, too. Sometimes she forgets that Connor’s death was still rotting a gaping hole in her when he came into the picture, in the same way that, sometimes, she’d forgotten she ever had a brother. Even if just for a moment, he had once made all the bad stuff in her life disappear. Now _he_ was the bad stuff.

Zoe Murphy knows repressing her memories of Evan Hansen isn’t healthy, but she doesn’t want to suffer through the agony of missing him.

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> thanks for reading!! pop down to my [tumblr](https://mostamazingtrees.tumblr.com/) for more of me screaming about deh
> 
> (also fun fact: this is like... the most hetero thing i've written in the last two years, at least)


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